This question has been debated endlessly and beaten to death. Everyone has a theory and is convinced that if only everyone listened to them, they could solve the problem.

The theories go something like this: “Young people just don’t value marriage anymore and treat it like it’s disposable.” The argument is that in years gone by, people understood the value of marriage and made it work instead of giving up at the slightest inconvenience. The younger generation however does not value marriage and are quick to dispose of it. They claim it’s a fundamental problem with young people as a whole, not the system, and that young people need to be fixed. They believe that we need to instill in them the value of marriage while they are growing up, and if we did that, this whole problem would disappear.

The theories are endless, and I can’t go through every single one of them, but everyone who has come into contact with the Shidduch System knows what I’m talking about. The constant lecturing on what young people are doing wrong and how they need to change in order to fix the divorce problem.

Essentially, the argument being made is that the Shidduch System we currently have in place is actually a great institution, and it is the people within it who are at fault.

The Shidduch System has been treated like some sort of holy doctrine that we received from God Himself. We must date this way, and any problem that arises must be solved within the confines of the current System. To suggest that the system itself needs to be altered is treated as blasphemy. If you dare to have that conversation, it’s always followed by some silly argument about how secular people who date for as long as they want to are not happier/more satisfied than us. They make this claim by citing data about the climbing divorce rate in secular society and use that to say we are clearly happier in our marriages because of the lower divorce rate in our community.

This is flawed on so many levels and is precisely why we need to start teaching statistics. (The topic of education in our culture is for a different time. At its core, the problem is that in the frum world, we look at education ONLY as a means to increase earning capacity. In reality, education is much more than that. If you take Calculus in college, you will learn how to better solve complex equations, not just within the confines of math but in your day-to-day life (and business as well). More on this another time, I am just getting started.)

It’s not that hard to understand that divorce is influenced by many things, not just happiness. This includes societal pressure, finances, children, etc. It is silly to think that the percentage of happy marriages can be determined solely by who gets divorced the least.

Then comes the general fabrication of reality. A reality which they themselves never experienced. But that does not stop them from having a very strong opinion about it. “You can never get to know someone well enough before marriage to know what it’s going to be like, because dating and being married to someone are so different. Therefore, there is no real difference between going on six dates or dating for five months before getting engaged. You can only know so much about the person anyway, so you may as well make the decision in six dates.”

In short, the argument is that past six dates, the diminishing returns are so low that there’s no point in going out any longer before making a decision. (I’m using the number six, but it obviously varies a little bit from person to person.)

Anyone who has ever lived on planet Earth and has engaged in any sort of relationship with another human being knows this to be false. It doesn’t matter whether it’s your coworker, your new sister-in-law, your new classmate, or just someone you became close friends with. It takes time to get to know someone. You can’t condense it into a certain short period of time. It doesn’t work that way.

When you take the context away from dating, it is kind of obvious that you don’t get to know someone in one day. Even someone you are actively trying to get to know like a new family member takes time. For some reason people lose connection when you make the analogy. There’s this blank look on their face that slightly resembles the face of a non English speaking Hispanic who is being told by a non English speaking Chasidishe person that it is really hot in the living room on Shabbos afternoon. Thirty minutes later a confused Hispanic with a case of Corona walks back into civilization. Poor guy went from thinking he is about to be sacrificed to the Gods to having a six pack in his hand. I imagine he repeats this story to anyone who will listen, all the time, and absolutely nobody believes him. I actually find this gift giving so bizarre and offensive. (No, not actually, relax, I didn’t lose my edge.) Imagine your next door neighbor asked you for help moving her couch and at the end of it she hands you a bagel with lox.

Obviously, dating is intentional, and you are actively trying to get to know the person, as opposed to platonic relationships where it’s not as intentional. But this is offset by two ideas.

First, because it is intentional, people are on their best behavior, almost following a “Virtues” checklist. “Hey, look at me. Did you see how nicely and politely I asked the waiter for Diet Coke and ice? Did you hear me say thank you and you’re welcome? That is what you can have if you like what you see.” (I made it a little flirtatious there at the end, but in all honesty, I doubt there’s much flirting going on in hotel lobbies across the Tri-State area.) This offsets the “intentionally trying to get to know someone” idea because the other person is aware of what they are there for, a date, and are acting accordingly.

Second, the dynamic of relationships don’t change that much across the spectrum. When you meet someone, you get to know their personality and what their virtues are over time. You can’t force it, and if you do, it won’t work. Think about how many people you used to think were decent, and then six months go by, and now you think they’re terrible. (If you can’t think of anyone, it’s your shitty ex. Hehe.) Now apply that same logic to trying to find someone to marry. For some reason the connection gets lost and they can’t seem to make that analogy from platonic relationships to romantic relationships.

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What if the problem isn’t that young people don’t appreciate marriage, or any of the other million theories that exist? What if going on six dates tells you next to nothing about the person you’re committing to for the rest of your life?

For some reason, this idea is written off as some sort of conspiracy by those who strongly believe in the institution of the Shidduch System. They then double down and quote completely made-up statistics and fabrications about the success and virtues of the Shidduch System versus other alternatives to dating.

There is a Rabbi named Rabbi Elefant in Israel who is associated with the Mir Yeshiva. He famously gives a speech about dating at the end of the zman, and it is very well regarded. He is considered to be someone who understands dating really well, and his opinions are held in high regard.

He famously says: “In the Litvish community, we go on 5 to 8 dates before making a decision, but this does not serve any purpose. Either you should do what they do in Chassidish communities, where some of them go on a beshow (you go to the girl’s grandmother’s empty second home and sit in the living room while your parents wait in the back room with their own parents on speed dial. With the odds being so high, why not?) or do what secular people do, where they sometimes date endlessly until they are certain. Going on a handful of dates does nothing for you, because we don’t get to know the person any better, we’re just doing more of the same for a longer period of time. Since we are not doing the latter, the first option makes the most sense.” (I am paraphrasing.)

Obviously, this is just something he says, and the people in his circles don’t actually do a beshow. I believe he is just trying to make a point about dating. Regardless, why isn’t there a healthy middle ground? Can’t you go out with someone over the course of a few months and then know, with a high degree of certainty, or for arguments sake, higher than going out on a handful of dates, the kind of person you are committing to? Not just who they are on a date when they’re on their best behavior. How they behave in real life in real time. You can fake being a good person some of the time, but eventually you default to your true character. (And if you are faking all the time, then congratulations, you are now a good person.)

Don’t you think that interacting with someone on a day-to-day basis will let you know how they handle stress, how they respond when someone wrongs them, how they interact with their friends, with what their actual virtues and principles are through lived experience with the person? No amount of “information” will give you that. I know a lot of really shitty people who think they are good people and have all the right answers. Except in reality, when faced with certain real life choices, what they say and what they do is very different. Anyone can pretend to be kind and caring for a few hours a couple of times a week for a few weeks. I do this all the time.

(Just as a disclaimer, while I do not know Rabbi Elefant personally, everyone I know who knows him thinks very highly of him. This is just a critique of something he said and is not meant to imply that he knows nothing about dating. It is just this one idea that I am analyzing.)

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Here’s a thought experiment: If you had never heard of the word “dating” before, and I told you to come up with a blueprint for the best way for people to find their “forever person”, within the context of being an observant orthodox Jew, I don’t know what you’d come up with, but I can assure you it would not be: “Meet the person a handful of times, and have your mom find out if he davens with a minyan on vacation.”

I’m not advocating to abolish the system or to pretend that it doesn’t serve a purpose for many people. However, you can’t fix a problem if you don’t know the cause. A big part of the reason for the climbing divorce rate is because people are making decisions with limited knowledge which obviously lowers the odds considerably of ending up in a satisfied marriage. Humans are complex and relationships don’t work on spreadsheets. There should be more room for someone to go about dating in a way that they feel comfortable with, without being gaslit into thinking their own intuition is inherently wrong and must be altered to fit the reality of the Shidduch System. Perhaps letting people make decisions about how they personally want to go about dating is a much better way for them to make a good decision and then stay (happily) married.

If you feel that all you need is a few dates to decide, good for you. Some people, however, are going to say they need a few months, or a year. There is no magic number or rule. Humans are complex and everyone has to tweak things a little bit to fit their own circumstances.

The best way to make sure that people stay (happily) married is by letting people choose a spouse on their own terms and at their own pace. Whether it is a few dates or a few years. That’s not to say this is the only reason for the divorce rate or that this is the solution, but it will definitely make a dent in that number in a positive direction.