If you grew up an Ehrliche Yid, like I did, you’ve heard this phrase a million times. “I want to do XYZ, but it would hurt my parents and how can I do that to them….Kibbud Av…. “filler words” …. Kibbud Av…. more filler words…etc.

(Kibbud Av is Hebrew for the commandment: “Honor your father and mother”)

The real truth is that you don’t really want to do whatever XYZ is. For the things that you really want, you find a way to be okay with disappointing your parents. But it’s easier to pretend like we are powerless to make a choice than to have to make A choice. If things go sideways, it’s all on you, and the feeling of failure sucks. And on top of that you have to hear your parents going on about this is why you listen to your parents and don’t always think you’re smarter than us….. (I have something on the “I told you so”, where you “get it wrong”, and your parents “get it right”, in regard to dating. Look out for it).

If you ask your parents what Kibbud Av means, they’ll tell you it means following the central planning board’s 35-year plan, which consists of your dad and his deputy sheriff, your mom. Or the other way around depending on your parents’ relationship. But because your parents might be biased, let’s go to the source of all truth, “My Rebbe”.

Me: Please tell me Rebbe; What is the reason why we are obligated in the mitzvah of Kibbud Av?

My Rebbe: What do you mean? Are you crazy!?!?!?!?!?! “Look at everything your parents did for you, and how much “Kochos”, “Agmus Nefesh”, and “Chizuk” they poured into you. They provided you with food, a 5-bedroom townhouse, Shabbos party, etc. YOU OWE THEM YOUR LIFE!!!! (The typographical effects are all him. I did not add them in the post edit.)

The problem with this is that the same way you don’t get credit for NOT robbing a bank, you don’t get credit for taking care of a vulnerable human that you created. The default is that you don’t rob a bank. The default is that you take care of a vulnerable human that you created. If you leave your baby on the side of the road, you are a horrible person; you don’t get a prize for not doing that. Therefore, the mitzvah can’t be a “reward” (use this loosely, I don’t have a better word. Even the best writers have limitations) for parents who did a good job. There are no prizes for being a civilized human; you get petch if you’re not.

I also want to point out that while many parents go above and beyond what they are obligated to do, that still is not the reason why we have the mitzvah of Kibbud Av. Kibbud Av is taught as an absolute with no contingencies attached, which means that Kibbud Av is even for parents who didn’t unlock “good parent” mode.

To kind of drive home the point that Kibbud Av is even for bad parents, look at Kiddushin Daf 31A:

תני תנא קמיה דרב נחמן: הגיע לכיבוד – סטרו לאביו, קללו, והכהו ולא ביזהו. אמר רב נחמן, כמה קשה כיבוד אב ואם!

Which translates in English to (Thanks Claude): “It was taught before Rav Naḥman: If one has reached the point of honoring his parents – and his father slapped him, cursed him, and struck him – but he did not humiliate his father. Rav Naḥman said, ‘How difficult is the honor of father and mother!’”

Essentially, this means Kibbud Av is an across-the-board thing for every child regardless of any other variables. You’ll even see people who have had very difficult childhoods, still trying to figure out how to keep their sanity, but also do Kibbud Av in some capacity.

One more thing to think about is that Kibbud Av would not be in the Aseres Hadibros (The Ten Commandments) if it was only for a specific category of Klal Yisroel whose parents are on the good list. The Aseres Hadibros are all absolutes as far as to whom they apply. This doesn’t prove my point as a standalone argument, but it supports the conclusion.

The point isn’t that you should be ungrateful to your parents. I am actually arguing for a higher standard than Rebbe was. Rebbe said that you have to do Kibbud Av because of what your parents did for you, but I am making the argument that Kibbud Av is even for underperforming parents. (I am running out of adjectives for “bad parents”). Meaning, that if your parents went above what is required of them, they are owed more than Kibbud Av because in this case there was no obligation for it, and when there is no obligation for something, you get a prize for it.

The true reason for Kibbud Av (what a massive buildup) is because your parents gave you the greatest gift, which is “Life”. And by definition, a gift is something that is yours to do whatever you want with it, with no conditions on how you use it.

If your friend buys you a car but you have to let them have the car on Tuesdays, that is not a gift. That is your friend letting you use his car. As General Sherman said during the Civil War, when asked about his (very controversial) war strategies: “He who wants to dictate the outcome, must first dictate the decisions”.

Doing what you want with your gift is a feature of Kibbud Av, not a bug. It is embedded into Kibbud Av that your life is yours to live and for you to choose to do with it as you please. God, by telling us to honor our parents for the gift they gave us, is also letting us know that it’s a gift. And what do you do with a gift? That’s for you to decide and figure out. 

None of this is to say you should go rub things in people’s faces or act like a jerk, but when you are at the crossroads of “I want XYZ for myself” and “But that would hurt my parents who have done so much for me, and you don’t even know and one day you’ll have kids and you’ll understand what it’s like when your kids….”, remember that your life is a gift. The fastest way to ruin your gift is to have to make sure everything you do is okay with the people around you. (I also have something on the topic of “not caring what people think”. Also coming soon)

This is all aside from the fact that from a secular standpoint, it’s not a healthy way to live. But science is for the Goyim and us Yidden know that the Torah is the emes and everything is in the Torah. There was actually a story about how one time Rav Shach pulled out a guitar in the sukkah and started belting out Highway To Hell. And the Lubavitcher chasidim who used to come every year on Sukkos asked him, “How did you know all the chords AND the lead to Highway To Hell? We’ve never seen you with a guitar before in our lives!” He looked at them and said, “Tosfos Masechtes Yivamos, Daf Lamed Daled, Amud Alef in the top right corner,” and walked off leaving them stunned in their tracks, mouth agape, mesmerized, perplexed, awed, shook, and a few other very intense emotions.

Give me your thoughts and opinions (tell me how I am wrong) in the comments, and I’ll respond to all of it. If you liked this, please subscribe to my email list (expect one article a week for at least the next 4 weeks) and share it with your friends. Or your mom, if you have guts.